Tuesday, January 6, 2009

...Why the RedEye Thinks I Am an Alcoholic

(The blogging is back after a much needed break of the internets. I hope you all missed me.)

Last night I got a message through Facebook from someone I do not know. Here is what it said. (Names omitted to protect...something...)

Hi Lauren,

My name is Name Lastname, and I'm a reporter for RedEye, the tabloid edition of the Chicago Tribune.

I'm working on a story about female drinking habits, and I noticed on your profile you mentioned you are a "professional drinker."

I was hoping to chat with you for my story. What's the best way to contact you?

Name Lastname
The Chicago Tribune

Yikes. Ok first of all, it didn't say "professional drinker," it said, "professional martini drinker." Secondly, it was surrounded by the other little things in my "About Me" box which are mostly silly sounding and exaggerated.

Now I know first hand how all those celebs feel when they get an embarrassing drunkie photo from their Facebook profile released to the universe. Its completely not a representation of who I am, but I guess to a stranger looking for a good gossip story, it sure was.

I took out that line, for fear that other people in the Chicago Facebook network will think I am an alcoholic. I am sorry strangers, I'm just not the person you thought I was.

Don't think I left a letter like that go without a response! Here is how I replied:

Wow, well most of my friends know that I enjoy a martini when out to dinner or at a bar with friends, but they also know that "professional martini drinker" on my profile is meant as a joke. I'd rather not be a feature in a magazine simply because I socially drink martinis.

If you want to do a spot on 20-something professional graphic designers who just moved to the city because they managed to land a great job in a poor economic time such as the present, give me a call.


Hmph! I stand corrected. I wonder who this reporter got for the story instead of me. They say you're famous once you've hit the tabloids! Autographs available upon request.


  1. Classic! I love your response. I'm sure they will have no problem finding a suitable replacement in the Chicago area. All they have to do is wander around Wrigleyville for .5 seconds. If not, I could recommend a few *actual* "professional drinkers" to them. :)

  2. Well "professional drinker" doesn't necessarily mean "alcoholic" just like "professional chef" doesn't necessarily mean "obesely overweight fattie". Still, I'm sure the guy was indeed trolling for alkies. Maybe it was to be your chance to be a part of Red Eye's answer to A&E's addictive "Intervention"!

    Either way, it made me wonder if Professional Drinker was actually a possible career option. Seems like a sommelier would qualify. And that guy on the Sam Adams commercials.