Thinking

Preface: This blog isn't planned, it's just me rambling. It might not be perfect as far as tone, grammar, flow, etc. Haven't done this in a while. Let me know what you think.

This summer has gone by so fast. I say that every year, but more so now that I've "grown up" and moved to Chicago. This summer is different than any other, however. I am unemployed and have literally too much time on my hands.

I'm a thinker. I've mentioned before I think too much, it's why I'm vegetarian.

With all this time to think, I've begun to reflect on myself as a human. Am I doing what I should be? Do I act how I should act? Even in this time of being financially challenged, sans-regular job, I'm pretty happy with my life. It's actually fun having nothing to do on a random Tuesday and being able to flop on the beach for as long as I want. (I'm sure my skin will thank me ten years from now for that.)

Recently someone pointed out that I can be a little self absorbed. I'm usually the first one to admit I'm selfish, but it sort of hurts hearing it from someone else. But all this time to think made me realize that yes, I can be self absorbed to the point of it being a little obnoxious once in a while! (Guess I needed to hear it!) There's a fine line between being confident and being self absorbed. But aren't we all out there trying to survive for ourselves? Isn't that what life is all about when you're twenty-something and single and trying to live in a big city?

I've always been "the nice one." Well the nice one gets walked all over. When I try to be assertive to friends, men, family, then I'm labeled as the one with the self-centered attitude, (or a word that rhymes with witch...) and no one seems to care about my opinion anymore. But if I just sit there and take it and be nice, then people walk all over me. I can't find that awesome balance. For some reason I'm having a really hard time being that person who's kind, yet gets the respect I know I deserve.

I've had time to think about relationships, too. Man, I suck at dating! I really do.

How does one stop thinking? People have told me to take up meditation. I've tried. I know they say the strands of thoughts are supposed to dissipate, but I can't seem to get there. Meditating to me right now seems counter productive!

One thing is for sure. I'm good at what I do and I deserve a good job. (Which will happen soon I hope!) I also deserve to be surrounded with good friends and people who respect me and my time.